Climbing Mountains

I would do anything for my kids.  I am pretty sure every decent parent can agree to that feeling.  From the very first second I held Trent in my arms, to now when I have three wonderful children, there is nothing I have been more confident in, then that very fact.  It's interesting because as much as you know that you will do anything for your child, you have no idea what road that Love will take you down.  My children have all had very different needs.  Some need me to talk gentler, be more encouraging, go to the doctor, read more stories, give big hugs,  etc. 

Trent went through a long medical spell where I was up all night and day, wondering if he would ever eat or sleep normal.  We took him to the doctor appointments, one after another after another.  We didn't know what he needed at first and we had a ton of doctors that said he was "fine".  But we kept at it and helped him in every way that we could figure out how, until we got the answers he needed.  We finally got him the help he needed to sleep and eat and not be in pain and then I could eat and sleep again too.

Aliya was only a few weeks old when she got RSV.  I had no idea what it was until my children had it.  I woke up every two hours to give her (and Dylan) nebulizer treatments...which turned into staying up all night long because she needed to nurse too and I couldn't sleep because I was so worried about her breathing.  We took her to the doctor each day, so they could check on her and 15 days later she was a healthy little girl again.  It was a scary situation that we made it through.

When I found out a tornado was headed for the house.  I took the kids to the basement covered them with a blanket and lied myself over them.  Hearing the wind, rain, and wood breaking as the tornado hit our house I knew, with out a doubt, that I would do anything for my kids.

So that leads me to my sweet Dylan.  When everyone said that he was okay, Nate and I knew he wasn't.  He was scared.  Constantly dreading the most horrible things and running any chance he could out of fear.  After the tornado he stopped talking to anyone he didn't know really well, didn't want anyone but family to touch him, couldn't get a hair cut or go to the doctor with shaking in fear and usually running, hitting and screaming.  So, as people may have been turning to look at us and wondering why we were not getting control of our child, we were crying on the inside with the gut feeling that something wasn't right.  We were unsure how to help him, but we knew we would do anything.  Our doctor a year ago told us that Dylan needed us to go slow with him.  He wasn't ready to separate and forcing him was going to cause greater damage.  So we spent a year working on slowly building confidence.  We read books together, I read books alone, we did projects, we went to activities were I could be in the building but try leaving him in a room separated.  It was rough.  Very, very, very rough. 

He would cry, he would get sick, he would scream, he would sweat, he would be in physical pain, and he would try running to find a place where he felt safe and away from all his fears.

 There were days were other peoples words would get to me.  What if this was all really my fault.  What if I had over sheltered him or had moved to many times or had not breastfed him long enough (people say the dardenst things) and somehow I was the one that had caused our child, who I would do anything for, pain.  It kept me up at night and made me cry.  There is nothing worse then feeling guilty for anything involving your child. 

But no matter what anyone said I knew I wasn't ready to give up. So... we kept working on it.  We got a counselor and at the very first parent/counselor meeting I said " I never want to change Dylan.  If he is shy or rambunctious or hyper or loud ...that is perfect with me.  Who he is, is exactly who we want him to be.  However, we are here to help him not feel afraid of life and learn to have the confidence in himself that we have in him." 

After a few weeks of testing and counseling appointments using REM therapy we realized that Dylan had anxiety and post traumatic stress disorder.  He can retell the story of the day the tornado hit our house with more color and detail then I can.  He remembers the conversations and the way sky looked and how Aliya kept shaking.  He remembered it all... and no matter how many times I had asked him to talk about it... he couldn't talk.  He needed us to do more.  He needed us to continue trying and getting him the right help.  He talks to his counselor about all his fears now, most of them involve his family being hurt in some way and his inability to protect them and also his inability to do things perfect and why he feels like a failure (even when his family knows he is absolutely not).  You know what, that talking was exactly what he needed.  We have spent the last few months juggling a ton of appointment and babysitters (I love my sisters) and emotions.  We have a wonderful school that has let us do meetings, pictures, tours, and classroom visits all to get to where we are today.

On Monday, Dylan stepped out of the car and walked into his school for camp.  He did it!  You have no idea how huge this is for my little man and how proud we are of him.  We know this isn't the end of the hike, but when you climb a mountain and you get to a clearing...you have every right to take a deep breath look around and feel really proud of how far you have come, even if you are not at  the very top.

We are going to keep on hiking and loving these kids to the end of time.  I would truly do anything for them and every bit of hard work is worth the smiles and joy we get in  return.