The Hard Days

Most of the time on my blog I talk about the joys of parenting, but the fact is that being a parent is hard work and comes with some really hard days.  The past two weeks have been filled with tears for this mama, and while I haven’t really talked about it with anyone (I’m not a phone crier and don’t discuss my troubles well) it has been agonizing.  Let me start by saying Trent and Aliya love school, love their teachers and friends and Aliya was even disappointed that she couldn't go to school on the weekend.  Dylan, however, is having a very hard time. His anxiety makes it very hard for him whenever he has any change in his  routine. Dylan says he doesn't like school.  He sobs when we drop him off, sobs when we pick him up and sobs at bedtime.  Not small tears but in a ball on the floor whole body weeping.  Watching him could break even the coldest of hearts, and as hard as it is to see him cry, it is still not the worst part.  The hardest part is the things he says, “Mommy, I love you and just want to be with you”, “I need you and I am scared when I am not home”, “If you love me so much then you wouldn't make me go”.  The list goes on and on. My heart breaks when I look into his tear filled eyes, with his quivering lip, and hear him tell me just how much his heart is hurting.  He is my son, he is in pain and all I want to do is make it stop and I can’t.  It is the most miserable feeling. It is heartbreaking and excruciatingly painful. I don’t know that I could ever find the words to explain how hard it is on my heart.  While we are sending Dylan to public school because we think it is the right decision for his education, in no way has it been the easy choice for us as parents. 

I have to say that Dylan has taught us a lot about parenting and how hard and personal each decision is.  I once naively was the person that would say “when I am a parent I will never…” and “I can’t believe that mom just…”  I judged without ever knowing the parent or even more importantly the child.  However now when I see a women in the grocery store "way to late" at night with her kids in their pajamas, or I hear a dad talk about their kid who never is home because he plays sports every day of the week,  or watch a mom punish a child over something very small; I know their is a reason.  A reason I do not need to ever understand.  All I need to know is that every parent is letting their heart leave their body and walk across the highway of life each and every day, and the best way for them to keep that heart safe and strong is doing whatever it is they are doing at that moment.  90% of all the parents I see are probably really good parents.  Parents who love their kids with all their might and are trying so hard to make the right choices for their children.  While I might not understand their choices, I never really need too.  I just need to remember how hard it is to be a parent.  How much it hurts at times and how hard we all try as a mom or dad.  So now, instead of judging other parents I stop and think. I smile at that mom in the grocery store at 11pm and hope to myself she is not there to buy medicine for a sick child.  I say hi to the sports dad whose child I learned has severe ADHD and sports in his only way to help him sleep and function at school. And that Mom who is punishing her child for something that seems so small, well, I remind myself that the mom is teaching a lesson, something that she believes her child truly needs in order to grow into a successful adult.  Usually when we see a parent parenting, it is in the middle of a moment, you don’t see the tears, the late night talks, the struggles and the decisions that went into all of it.  Parents have their reasons and almost every one of those reasons boils down to their love of their child. 

So, while Nate and I have struggled through these last few weeks of parenting and our hearts feel as if a semi-truck has hit them over and over again, it is good for us to remain focused. What we are doing is out of love.  100%, unconditional, no matter what love that we have for our child.  It is so incredibly hard to be a parent some days, but if our love for our children remains the reason we make every decision we do, then we know we are at least on the right track.  Even when that track seems very rough and long.